it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Facebook memories be like
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.