YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half