the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct