I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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Seek kebab; not attention
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.