Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
No laws when master is gone
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.