I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
We all have our pet causes.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
so much to do
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.