Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”