Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.