I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Phones down.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.