me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT