Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.