My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Me redecorating every room in my mind
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?