Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.