If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should