My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.