[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
lol
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Guys, I found it.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”