Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
i hate you platonically
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.