Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?