Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You Might Also Like
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
This makes total sense…
When you “pspspsp” too hard