Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Mhm.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.