Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store