“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: