Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.