Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
When news reporters do sports stories
Trying
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’