Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Unexpected Judgment
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.