coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened