[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
very niche meme I made
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*