*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.