16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“our sushi is very fresh”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My what?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.