i spent way too long on this
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I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
When I snag the last meatball.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Those are good neighbors.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.