Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.