INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My background check bounced.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.