Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.