You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Rather alarming headline…
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”