50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.