Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
How all things should be taught/explained.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Worst bar ever.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.