ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“I’m helping” 😅
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep