It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Life cycle of cat
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?