I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
You Might Also Like
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.