*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up