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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
A small tragedy.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Am I having a stroke?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.