[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
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*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.