Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Risking my life for fun.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok