Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Monica just destroyed the internet
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“The Perfect Relationship”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
so weird how every mom was born today
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.