If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
this is the news I live for
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Very problematic
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I cannot stop laughing at this
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband