never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve