I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.