I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.