That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”