i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.